Tell me something

What are we supposed to do with our lives? That's an easy question to answer, because we aren't supposed to know, right?

"It's okay to not have a direction", "You're young, you've got so much time to decide," "Enjoy this time in your life, where it's okay to be flaky." Again and again, highschool graduates and 20-somethings are told the same thing in the western world, that not knowing what your purpose is, or rather, what you want your purpose to be, is acceptable. That it's the proper pattern of things. First, you don't know what you want, then you study something that might interest you, and while your major may be useless and the piece of paper you get at the end of your 4-year Kraft Dinner-and-ramen-noodles-no-sleep-fest even more so, it doesn't matter, because somewhere along the line you've discovered what you really want to do. Then off you go, into the real world, pursuing your dreams, stepping into adulthood, paying your dues on an endless pursuit of happiness. The natural order of things, normal, simple.

Well guess what motherfuckers, it isn't so SIMPLE.

Sure, telling your kids or your spouses or your boyfriends/girlfriends, or your friends that you'll eventually find out what you want to do in life and that it's just dandy that they don't know what that is yet is totally peachy, but let me be the first to honestly tell you that it won't do shit about the internal clusterfuck a-brewin'. I would say the only thing worse than not knowing what you want to do with your life, is being told that it's okay, it's like telling a first-time bungee jumper: "There is a really small chance you could die, and right after you jump, you might actually shit yourself, but that's normal." Thanks. Clearly there is some festering demon located in their solar plexus that grabs hold of their nerve endings and yanks on them over and over again like they're experiencing empathy-embarrassment while watching x-factor auditions, except this particular audition full of cringe is their own judging reflection, and it's saying things like, "You indecisive cynical fuck, choose a career like the rest of the world."

This is why I created this blog, while it might be socially acceptable to be a 20-something and not know what you are doing with your life, I need an outlet to save me from myself. To distract me from not only my anxiety over being out on my own with no idea what job I'll be happiest working at, but also to distract me from the fact that I have a career, that I spent 3 years and $40,000 to achieve, only to discover that it isn't what I want to do, and being the cynical dick I am, can't seem to find anything related to it that I would be interested pursuing. This, met with the inner-struggle of, "I'm young, I could switch careers!" vs "If you switch careers, you'll waste 4 more years that you could have spent furthering your original career!" Thanks brain, you asshole.

There are a lot of things that interest me, so many that I can't slow down for a second to focus on one, and actually become proficient at it. I've always been prone to severe anxiety, and organizational compulsions that come with it. As a result of my anxiety over what to do with my life, I have a very detailed list of things I think I'd be good at, yet the fear of wasting time and/or discovering I don't like it holds me back. GREAT.
Today, I say fuck it, to my socially and professionally awkward brain, and to my lack of direction. I've noticed over the years that I exhibit more than just a typical 'young person flakiness', but a straight-up life-sized version of ADD. I couldn't figure out what skills I could bring to my field, or any other field, what interests I have that I could excel in, what other things might I want to do with my life, so in the end I decided to use my indecisiveness to my advantage. I could either spend days sitting at my desk thinking and worrying about what to do, or I could just pursue and document everything I like and enjoy all at once, without deciding, without giving a fuck.

Here in this blog I will try new things, document what goes on in my life, interesting things that I discover, classes I may take, trips I might take, anything at all that I find exciting, interesting, and worth sharing, I will put here. I don't like the idea of finding a focus with this blog, because that way, I'd have to commit to one topic the entire time. That would get boring, stale, and I'd eventually change focus anyway. This way, I am always enjoying what I write. I see this as a free form of therapy, an outlet for my brain that is cluttered with ideas, paths to take, things to pursue, and maybe somewhere down the road it'll help me decide.